I become fixated on something I see through that lens, and then I draw a massive conclusion based on that limited perspective. When I am looking through my depressed lens, my husband says I cannot see anything that is positive. When my lens is distorted in this way, my brain actually seems to feed off of the negative aspects of everything: when I look at a vase, I do not see the beautiful blue color along its sides, but only the dust on the rim-and then comes the instant reminder that I never do enough. When I am in my home and I am looking at the world through my depressed lens, I see only my own failures in the form of messy piles of clothes, dirty dishes, and all the things that I did not do. When I was looking through my manic lens and I saw only the beauty of the wild plants in the Arctic, I now would be able to see only the dirt underneath the fallen leaves. The Lens of Bipolar Depressionīy contrast, my depressed lens blurs and darkens all until I can see only the ugly underside of everything around me. Because of this distortion, and also because I would convince myself that my lens was actually clear, I made many poor decisions when I thought that something I saw was easily attainable, and also when I could not see the consequences lurking on the other side.
My manic lens distorts everything so that a mountain dozens of miles away looks like it is right next to me and that I could climb it in just a couple of hours, when, really, it would be a massive undertaking. I once thought that my manic lens made everything crystal clear, but that is not accurate at all. I seem to pick up on the slightest stimulation, and my brain reacts accordingly.
When I am hypomanic, manic, or about to be triggered into one of those states, my lens magnifies everything around me. At one point, I entered a mixed state that culminated in trying to disappear by following a set of wolf tracks along a riverbed into the mountains. As that evening continued under a sun that never set, I became manic. My senses were intensified and, as I struggled under the sensory overload, my mind began to race. While I could see the bushes as we passed them, everything seemed much closer than it really was. As I peered through the truck’s window, it seemed like I could touch the mountaintops on my right, and that I could feel the blueberries and the crowberries that surrounded us. For me, that lens is usually clear, but there are many times when it is not.Ībout 20 years ago, as my boyfriend drove us north to hunt caribou on Alaska’s North Slope, I watched through the passenger window as the spruce trees dwindled and disappeared as we drove farther and farther north.Īfter hours of riding in the truck through the Arctic, I became overwhelmed by the striking beauty of the landscape around me. We see everything through a lens, and when we have an illness like bipolar disorder, everything we see can be distorted by that lens.
#THE NARCISSISTS WARPED REALITY HOW TO#
When bipolar moods take hold, it’s important to recognize when our thoughts may not be in line with reality and how to see the truth.
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